As a natural, or perhaps enforced, growing up resister (no career, no mortgage, no marriage, no travels, no ISA, no skills etc.), I have come to notice one chink in the getting older chronology: I have become a napper. This after spending over half my life not understanding people that choose to/happen to fall asleep midway through a waking day. “You ain’t Spanish!” was a self-congratulating opinion I used to think of pro-nappers. It’s almost definitely linked to my decades-long issue with bad/not sleeping. I still don’t understand how people manage to switch off from the crazy world so efficiently in order to gain some unconscious rest. I never ever feel content enough with my life/my day to be able to close things off & fall asleep. My occasional efforts to do that are a nightmare, no pun intended. Sleeping & napping are for normal, content-enough people. I’m not successful enough, or worthy enough to be able to ‘accept’ that I’ve lost a day. Me going to sleep, and to some extent me concentrating, and sometimes not concentrating – or “letting go” – (in itself an act of concentration), is never guaranteed, and never what it seems to be for others. I don’t even want it to be, to be honest. I do, but not with my current life, or indeed almost any of my life leading up to here. Fill in the empty bits, give me more to “stand up against” (such a classic, depressingly, embarrassingly over-used excuse of mine), and maybe I’ll be in the mainframe to *want* to be a sleep-able person. This bit of insight kind of explains why I really hate the use of expressions such as ‘sleep is for the weak’, ‘sleep when you’re dead’. Not because I don’t think they can be true, and as I see it, are true. I hate them because they’re said by phoneys. Successful people *do* sleep okay. They might *end up* not sleeping much at times, but it’s not expressed fairly. Those that can’t sleep due to a medical impairment are undermined, and my non-medical, just weird situation comes to be almost commodified & commercialised. My *brand* hasn’t ever been ‘not good at sleeping’.
Anyway, I’ve come to notice that I can nap now. I’ve done it two days running after work, and even though I end up more stressed in some ways, I gain this kind of ‘in defence of normal life’ mentality, whereby I justify the action of taking a little sleep in the context that I’ve assumed other people, who are more productive & successful, manage to fit in napping and still achieve their self worth, positive approach to life and general ability to do things. I’m not there yet with the doing things, but I have been able to follow up the nap with a more resourceful mindset than just idly lounging around not getting anything done. Napping has allowed me to re-start my shot at the day. I’ve enjoyed that extra chance. It doesn’t necessarily matter, yet at least, that I’ve not really done anything with this yet. Though I suppose writing this pretty much stream of conscious account of all this is an achievement of sorts, being as I’m always telling myself to write more/at all, and I know for a fact that tired, waiting to fall asleep no matter what the time me wouldn’t have been able to focus enough to get anything down, even spontaneously off the back of a Twitter character limit bust, as is the case with this.
It is important to point out that this ‘nappability’ I’ve suddenly gained does have an obvious cause, though. It’ll definitely be down to the fact I’m now free from the terrible situation of working 3 day weeks (maybe due to Ian’s over-hiring policy?). Considering that a day at work in my job isn’t ever really a full eight/whatever hours, I’ve been doing, at my best, about 22 hours a week for the past two months. It’s been rubbish. Obviously I’ve still never had any time to do anything and even if/when I apparently have, I obviously haven’t used it well. As of this week, I’m in five days probably every week till Xmas, and my shifts will seemingly be either ridiculously short (three hours), or really long. As I have my own, apparently (perceived by Ian) “overly selfless” system of fairness at work, I’ll probably end up doing an average of about a six hour shift per day. Can’t figure out if this is ‘good’. Obviously I know it’s not ‘good’, good. Where do I start with what’s wrong with my economic stability, particularly when compared to friends around me. Virtually all of whom I’m not jealous of though, it must be said.
± I don’t like using the word success. It’s problematic. But it’s the only word I have right now. It’s probably something between the definitions of ‘content’ and ‘success’ I’m looking for really. Harmonious? Maybe that’s better.
±± Speaking of words I’ve been using, I keep saying to myself “anyways”, instead of “anyway”, or a better clause in general. Can’t exactly figure out where I’ve gotten that from. I don’t even really watch any American shows, especially not ones with that modern mid-Atlanticism.